Believe in the Power of the Universe


Posted on: April 12, 2009

A semester past by,

A summer went by,
Two semesters gone by,
Now I’m here again, sitting at the same 10003, with that landline I got for him.  
Some Columbia Lambdas came up to Tiff, Cheryl and me at Sutra yesterday.  Instead of pretending to be cute and open, I shrugged off all possible approachers.  As much as I wanted to talk to a boy, it didn’t strike me as a necessary to chat up with some boring strangers.  Sorry Tiff, and thank you for picking up all the mess I had to make.
A few hours before that, I was sitting at K-one, singing up Jasmine and ALin’s songs, can’t help thinking up of some special person way back then.  What would’ve happened if, and only if I just let myself go for once.  Reasons always win over impulses in my case.  For the past three years, except for one person, I’ve closed the doors on all of my own possibilities.  All for those career choices.
As I gossip with friends, judging other people’s lives, I forgot how much I should’ve judged myself, for living in such a set life style.  I can’t bring myself to wild possibilities, despite all that fire deep down in my heart.  I can’t leave everything behind and go to Paris.  I can’t leave a possible career in NYC and marry back to China.  For an undetermined career, I had given up so much without realizing it.
H is probably planning on going to Scotland for further studies now.  I have no other way of knowing except to read his facebook status.  I lost a friend, a lover, a caretaker.  But even after all of that, I still can’t give up what I have.  I didn’t come so far in life to just settle down for the known.  I couldn’t settle for a nice family, an even more spoiled life-style.  I always wanted “more”.
Bless H and his family.  Bless C and his longterm girlfriend.  
I’ve done all that I did and inflicted all that regret upon me.  And now I’m left with sitting here typing things up.  Or reminiscing endless karaoke nights.  Or 4 hour long distance phone conversations.  Or cuddling in the park.  I want meaningful relationships not one-conversation friends.

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