Believe in the Power of the Universe

(In response to Lo.Lee.Ta’s latest post..)::In Memory of::

Posted on: March 24, 2009

It’s been long enough now that I can actually share this with all of you over Blogger.

While I studied in Beijing, my paternal side’s Grandpa had passed away. Adding to all this sadness at the time, I found out about it because my aunt slipped the news over a casual conversation, right before my 20th birthday.

Everything came too suddenly. Apparently Grandpa was playing mah-jung and a heart-attack stroke him. Not much of the aftermath was informed to me. None of this was informed to me! Until a few days before my birthday about a week or two after the incident, my aunt had called me while I had my favorite frozen yogurt at one of the biggest mall in Beijing, getting ready for some party planning.

I was confused and frustrated and upset and felt at a great loss. My grandpa had past away. I didn’t get to see him this summer for too much. I didn’t get to see him much all my life in fact. He didn’t get the chance to see me succeed and visit America while I was here. He didn’t get to see any of my graduation ceremonies. He enjoyed the fact that I got into a good college and did better than all my other cousins. He joyed over all my adventures and trips and how I turned out to be as a person.

I didn’t get to go to his funeral. I think this would be one thing that I would regret and blame my parents for. For once I was in China during a school year and they took the privilege to not inform me of any of this. The excuse was probably because I was busy doing a school case and that I had to be in school, when honestly, I probably could’ve skipped the whole semester and still passed.

I was frustrated with what my parents did. Even when I went home for a weekend, and daddy was going to the official good-bye ceremony, he did not say a word to me. And only once they kind of mentioned this whole thing and all I got was “daddy will tell you eventually of what happened this past year” THAT’S IT!

Reading what Lo.Lee.Ta wrote, I find myself still frustrated and sad over this. Grandpa was a great man. He had his mistakes and misgivings but none’s perfect. At least in my world, I knew he gave me all the love he could’ve spare and supported my mom and me in whatever way he saw fit. For the past few years, everytime I visit him, he’d offer me to get his savings account, and I’d always decline it saying things like “Oh wait ’til I graduate college or get married and become successful”, etc. Grandpa was always happy to hear that.

My parents still don’t know that I know Grandpa’s no longer with us. I can’t cry out to them and demand to know why they wouldn’t let me say my last few words to Grandpa. As I write this, tears just kept flowing out. All the comfort I can find is in this blog. I can’t pin down exactly what I’m crying for. There are always a few things in movies, books, readings, that I can relate to and always make me cry. Alas, I can’t talk to anyone about it. It’s just one of those deep deep dark mysterious secrets that I’d never really tell anyone.

So here is the reason, here is why I didn’t host my 5-day long 20th birthday party. I wanted to pay my respects to Grandpa. and nope, i did not cancel it because I ran out of cash, I did not pretended to not have it so to not have someone invited. I stopped partying for nearly 2 months because I couldn’t find pleasure in doing any of that. Dancing all night long wouldn’t take pains away. It would only intensify all the disappointments in seeing how many people just DON’T understand.

For those grieving period, I found comfort in schoolwork. That was the workaholic part of me that comforted me so much. By becoming productive I found nirvana. People asked me to bring books to clubs so to get me started in going out again. But little did they know, all that time I just really wanted to be the person Grandpa always wanted and thought I would be.

Being back in NYC, after 4 months, that drive seems to vanished a little. I am now drowned in the city’s superficiality again and cannot really find ways to get back to that focused me. And everytime I think of this, I’d cry and cry.

So for those of you lucky ones, treasure every moment you can spend with family. Time flies by and there are way too many things in this world that we can’t control.


2 Responses to "(In response to Lo.Lee.Ta’s latest post..)::In Memory of::"

awww, i kind of understand. 😦 i never got to know either of my grandpas well, except when i was 3 years old and living at my grandparents’ houses. so all i have are memories from over a decade ago.

I think it doesn’t matter much if we fall only once.

But the thing is, more often than not, we make the same mistake over and over again.

Pains ease over time, which is good. But I do feel pathetic about its consequences.

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