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Archive for March 2009

What an Westernized thing to do for a Chinese girl.

I’m sitting at the West 4th Starbucks trying hard not to study. Yici was probably just here last night too. It’s as NYU as anything can get during midterms week. Sipped in my light caramel frap which cannot be decaffeinized and now I’m jittery after popping a tylenol. All these intense focus on readings have made my brain hurt.

I don’t want to do anything. School burn-out can be a scary thing. I don’t even want to go shopping. Though I do need those Stella McCartney for Adidas to keep me motivated because oh yes I’m getting buff and jockey.

EGB was the most perverse midterm I’ve taken in the past few weeks. Can you believe it? I’ve been having at least one midterm per week for the last 8 weeks. There’s also one next week and then a group project due the week after that then another French project after that, then GUESS WHAT? it’s FINAL’S WEEK! And having two interviews this Thursday do not help at all in my crammed non-relaxing week. At least I’m finally applying to jobs writing my CVs editing my resumes and doing productive things for the sorority. Just wait til I answer with a “what?, what did I do in that job? umm let me think on that!” it’s been almost a year since I had my last interview, which was the most last minute unprepared one I’ve ever had. That’s because I know I’d get the job no matter what happens. But now, I guess it’s more of a hey do I like these people or not thing.

Real estate, entertainment companies, and other areas. Basically nothing Finance. I’m glad my mom realized in time that my Finance major is nothing but a facade. It does not represent me in the slightest way. Economics or Art or making things up or finding ways to counter argue my dad is more of my thing. I want to do that Voice lesson, that Violin lesson, that Nonverbal communication, and that wine tasting at Astor Place. That’s life. If I don’t enjoy it now, I’ll get old and look like an old lady trying to dress like a 20 year old soon. So that’s what I’m doing with life. None of my roommate’s Asian seriousness. Let life be fun. Don’t just have fun because it’s time to, but do it because it’s part of you. I really don’t understand that Asian part in him lol. It’s so serious and goal-oriented. Seriously, if one door closes, so many others will open up. So far it’s been a good month, I’m starting to get more interviews and been more accepting of what I think I can do. Possibilities within or out of boundaries. It’s like one of those super hard/intense research papers that are 20 pages long that you’d never thought you can do, ending up giving you a nice return. It’s that ”wow I can’t believe I can do that” that gets me going. Not that ”this is the highest salaried job I can get for now”. seriously, there are sooooo many things in life that can give you alot of money, and if you really think being a banker from the start is the only option, I don’t think you are looking hard enough and it’s just that you don’t have much creativity in you. So with that said, I’m not a settle for the status quo girl, but that doesn’t mean I’m out to get the world. It’s not setting goals but just work hard enough to not have regrets.

And on top of that, do you seriously think bankers make the most money right? making money by becoming another or a whole bunch others’ b*tches ain’t the first thing on my agenda. Life is about making changes around you and MORE importantly, making changes within yourself. Who knew I’d be so interested in taking pictures of buildings? Who knew I’d write so much on Blogger? Who knew maybe one day I’m that fresh out of NYU entrepreneur who just happened to win the lottery and started the most-exciting venture ever happened in the city? I mean that’s pretty hard to reach but it’s a start right?

Don’t end your dreams, and don’t settle for the initial returns. If working like a shit for 3 years then live on that is your kind of thing, I’m sorry. It may be what you think is the best and you might look down at me for not wanting the same, but I still feel sorry for you. You are missing out. And really, do you honestly think, that’s alot of money? cuz if that’s alot for ya, it’s actually pretty ummm low for me.

Get it?

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It’s been long enough now that I can actually share this with all of you over Blogger.

While I studied in Beijing, my paternal side’s Grandpa had passed away. Adding to all this sadness at the time, I found out about it because my aunt slipped the news over a casual conversation, right before my 20th birthday.

Everything came too suddenly. Apparently Grandpa was playing mah-jung and a heart-attack stroke him. Not much of the aftermath was informed to me. None of this was informed to me! Until a few days before my birthday about a week or two after the incident, my aunt had called me while I had my favorite frozen yogurt at one of the biggest mall in Beijing, getting ready for some party planning.

I was confused and frustrated and upset and felt at a great loss. My grandpa had past away. I didn’t get to see him this summer for too much. I didn’t get to see him much all my life in fact. He didn’t get the chance to see me succeed and visit America while I was here. He didn’t get to see any of my graduation ceremonies. He enjoyed the fact that I got into a good college and did better than all my other cousins. He joyed over all my adventures and trips and how I turned out to be as a person.

I didn’t get to go to his funeral. I think this would be one thing that I would regret and blame my parents for. For once I was in China during a school year and they took the privilege to not inform me of any of this. The excuse was probably because I was busy doing a school case and that I had to be in school, when honestly, I probably could’ve skipped the whole semester and still passed.

I was frustrated with what my parents did. Even when I went home for a weekend, and daddy was going to the official good-bye ceremony, he did not say a word to me. And only once they kind of mentioned this whole thing and all I got was “daddy will tell you eventually of what happened this past year” THAT’S IT!

Reading what Lo.Lee.Ta wrote, I find myself still frustrated and sad over this. Grandpa was a great man. He had his mistakes and misgivings but none’s perfect. At least in my world, I knew he gave me all the love he could’ve spare and supported my mom and me in whatever way he saw fit. For the past few years, everytime I visit him, he’d offer me to get his savings account, and I’d always decline it saying things like “Oh wait ’til I graduate college or get married and become successful”, etc. Grandpa was always happy to hear that.

My parents still don’t know that I know Grandpa’s no longer with us. I can’t cry out to them and demand to know why they wouldn’t let me say my last few words to Grandpa. As I write this, tears just kept flowing out. All the comfort I can find is in this blog. I can’t pin down exactly what I’m crying for. There are always a few things in movies, books, readings, that I can relate to and always make me cry. Alas, I can’t talk to anyone about it. It’s just one of those deep deep dark mysterious secrets that I’d never really tell anyone.

So here is the reason, here is why I didn’t host my 5-day long 20th birthday party. I wanted to pay my respects to Grandpa. and nope, i did not cancel it because I ran out of cash, I did not pretended to not have it so to not have someone invited. I stopped partying for nearly 2 months because I couldn’t find pleasure in doing any of that. Dancing all night long wouldn’t take pains away. It would only intensify all the disappointments in seeing how many people just DON’T understand.

For those grieving period, I found comfort in schoolwork. That was the workaholic part of me that comforted me so much. By becoming productive I found nirvana. People asked me to bring books to clubs so to get me started in going out again. But little did they know, all that time I just really wanted to be the person Grandpa always wanted and thought I would be.

Being back in NYC, after 4 months, that drive seems to vanished a little. I am now drowned in the city’s superficiality again and cannot really find ways to get back to that focused me. And everytime I think of this, I’d cry and cry.

So for those of you lucky ones, treasure every moment you can spend with family. Time flies by and there are way too many things in this world that we can’t control.

How pathetic has the market become. There are more babysitting jobs than anything else. Actually, babysitting was always there and not as much now. I guess professional mom’s have been staying at home lately thanks to all that wall street hates women thing according to word on the street.

Kudos to ELF for starting to blog. It makes my day to read about close friend’s whatnots. And Jun for closing up her blog…….

NYC seems to be the popular place to be at this Spring, even though it is probably the coldest I’ve ever lived in. Late March and still going toward the 20s, 30s,… even the weather’s not giving a warm and welcoming spring in time. Maybe the economy will start kicking in once we get to wear our pretty sundresses.

will be some serious updates soon, regarding where I’ll be at, what I’ll be doing. Not that it’s just France, Africa may be in the picture too. And by that I meant somewhere like Congo. Please excuse my spontaneity, it’s nature and all that books I’ve been reading and movies I’ve been watching. The world is big but if you just go around it enough times, it’s actually pretty flat.

Currently Listening to:

This eurotrip turned out to be anything but warm. The first day we arrived was so sunny that everyone forgot they didn’t get into buenos. But next, on the Hungarian National Holiday, drizzles and winds hit us. Then it was sunny again except that we had to stay in until it got cold again thanks to a not-so-corporate corporate presentation.

Vienna is so beautiful. The weather report miscalculated and said it was supposed to snow! But for the first half of our trip everything was nice and Venetian. So pretty that it looked unrealistic at times.

Then today we came back.

Having slept 1 hr because our bus had to leave at 4am made everything a bit of a blur earlier this morning. I vaguely remember taking some photos of Budapest and Austria from above.

Stepped into my apartment and everything looked exactly the way I left it to be. Just like when I first came back to the City after a year, everything still looked so harmonious and in sync. Everything just kind of looks consequential.

A few hours later I received a skype message from Carmen. She brought news of Andrius’s passing away. Life, once again, seems so minimal and vulnerable. Though I’ve only met this gentleman for a semester and have seen him just several times, his positive energy and friendliness touched me in everyway he could without knowing. Someone so sincere and full of smiles. Someone so cultured and radiates that European lifestyle. May you rest in peace, my friend.

By the way, I will return to Europe very soon. Since nothing’s certain yet, I’ll leave this as a thought.

As I walked, I began to hear the sound of running water. It’s impossible to hear that sound and not go searching for the source.”
-The Secret Life of Bees

Bless

back in a few hours…

This is actually the first Chinese title in my blog. Doesn’t necessarily mean anything, just a song I’m currently listening to. It’s raining heavily outside. Two hours ago a Diplomat-in-Residence hosted an information session on the second floor in Palladium. An hour before that I went to Staples, dressed in my leopard-prints, boy-shirt, black cardigan, and that pair of black boots with gold buckles. I found the “regal” paperclips and “soft grip” binder clips for hanging notes on my wall. Just to pull off that “I’m a geeky girl” trend. 


So for that presentation, I came home, took off my boy-shirt, put on my dolce g strip lady’s shirt with a pair of b republic suit pants. Switched to a pair of Bbury flats and went out with that free NHM totebag. 

15 minutes later, I arrived 2 minutes early at Palladium. Half of the audience were Seniors, the other half grad students. The message was clear: it’s great to be in school, sucks to be out soon after not making any money for the past 1 or 2 years on grad school. We can put in so much, just for education. Yet on the other hand, schools and ”real-world” people alike preach the American dream, that we don’t need a ”background,” financial nor inter-personal, to build our lives. So what’s education for then? Of course I believe all that general education is necessary. But how many people have had a meaningful conversation with you on the inversely proportional relationship between the level of creativity with the amount of education taken? Okay I just got side-tracked here.

This current instability has given us all a chance to pause (note I did not say ‘stop’ this time) and shuffle through our past ambitions and goals. From the Investment banker as Finance-majors’ dream job to pursuing the Socratic law schools, to regrets of not entering that engineering or med program, to going abroad to peace corps, NGOs, or a safe niche, to secure government functions, and even to just simply dread being unemployed, college has never been so interesting. Who knew this turn of tide would ever happen to us? Who knew we’d get this chance of looking out for other possibilities? Really, as I stay up for a few more minutes to finish writing this blog, I realize how much personal time this economy has granted me. Do we really want to go back to that stressful, competitive environment? 

A friend once shared an article with me, about a lady living in New York in the daytime, and rests like a Parisian. What does that mean?  We don’t want to leave NYC because of all this convenience, fascination, and spontaneity. However, when all of all this is going on 24/7, especially with the help of technology, we tend to get grumpy and unappreciative — a breakdown would then be just a matter of time.  Live like a Parisian, silence your phone at night, write in your blog to find peace in your mind, go take a stroll on the street, sip a cup of coffee/tea/hot chocolate at your local cafe, have brunch with a sweet friend on Saturday mornings, sleep in on Sunday mornings…..

And soon you’ll see, I am happy for a reason. I am happy because I can rid myself of troublesome thoughts. I can talk myself out of unhappy, intangible matters. And at night, I choose to sit in my room alone rather than surround myself with pessimistic people. What’s the use of all that talking when you can just relax in a power yoga session.

If nothing works, go sweat it out. There’s a whole bunch sexually frustrated ones of the male species in the gym that’s in a worse state than you. 
(oh unless you’re one of them) 😛

It feeeeels soooo good to study soo much! especially for all these interesting classes. I don’t even get tired doing repetitive problems and there are so many sorority sisters in the library for me to chat up with once in awhile that it’s got sooo much more fun to it! 

French Midterm no.2 @ 8am tomorrow.
Financial Management @ 2pm.
What a great day! Then I’ll get to hang out with Steph for a bit and reward myself with some gooooood bonchon chicken. Who wants to boka date with me? Then maybe some Crunch because I get hungry every time I use too much brainpower and eat too much American fastfood and feel fat afterwards. So I DO gain weight during finals unless I keep up with my exercises.  Tomorrow @ Crunch @ 6pm then.
yay for sorority.
yay to my little for dressing like me and looking like me and basically being my twin instead!
more yay to my little for studying hard in the library.
what a great weekend filled with academics!
I feel so brainy all of a sudden. Je aime  la vie!

When was the last time?

March 2009
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